I sent this out to a few people, but am posting it here for those that haven’t seen it. This is a transcript of a recent morning alone with The Boy. Since The Wife works nights, there are usually a few mornings a week where he and I are the only ones in the house. It’s amusing and highlights the joys of dealing with a stubborn midget.
WAKE UP AND GO UPSTAIRS TO WAKE THE BOY
ME: “Morning, Boy. Time to get up.”
HIM: “I wanna watch movies.”
ME: “Don’t think we’ll have time for that. Let’s go downstairs.” (note: if (movie && turn off before end) then tantrum();)
ME: “Do you need to go potty before we go downstairs?”
HIM: “No.”
GO DOWNSTAIRS, TURN ON TV AND RUMMAGE THROUGH LAUNDRY TO FIND SOMETHING FOR HIM TO WEAR
ME: “What do you want for breakfast, waffles or toast with jelly?” (cleverly steering him to what we have)
HIM: “I no want toast with jelly.”
ME: “Waffles then?”
HIM: (nodding) “Waffles.”
GO START WAFFLES TOASTING
HIM: “(unintelligible)….peepee.”
ME: “Then go into the bathroom and go. I’ll be there in a minute.”
HE MOVES AT A GLACIAL PACE TOWARDS THE BATHROOM WHILE WATCHING TV
ME: “Come on, let’s go to the bathroom, then you can watch.”
WHILE STEERING HIM TO THE BATHROOM, I NOTICE THAT PAJAMAS ARE NOW WET
ME: “Did you already go peepee?” (a moot question as i’ve surmised the answer)
HIM: (nod sheepishly) (note: less than 5 minutes have passed since asking him if he had to go)
ME: “The Boy, I just asked you if you needed to go. This is disappointing. Please try and remember to pee in the potty.”
HIM: “No say that, Daddy”
WAFFLES ARE NOW DONE. TURN OFF TV. DRESS THE NOW NAKED BOY. CUT AND SERVE THE WAFFLES AND JUICE.
HIM: “I no want this. I want toast.”
ME: (now getting mad) “I just asked you what you wanted and you said waffles. Now I have to waste these and more time.”
GO START TOAST AND FEED DOG. QUICKLY PUT ON JELLY AND SERVE WHILE HEADING FOR THE SHOWER.
ME: “I’m getting in the shower. Please eat your toast.”
SPEED SHOWER SO HE DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO DECORATE THE DEN WITH JELLY
ME: (while dressing from the bathroom) “Are you eating your toast?”
HIM: “Yes. I all finished.”
ME: “Good job. Thank you. I’ll be out in a minute.”
HIM: (pause from the other room) “I take my socks off.”
ME: (from the bathroom) “Are you trying to drive me insane?”
HIM: “Yes”